Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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