a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Randomize
