whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
