yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize