i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
