I skipped work to stalk him.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
