i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
