even my farts smell like vagina
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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