I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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