Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
