I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
