god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
