i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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