i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm at about main and main street
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
