dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
