you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
