yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
