Don't make out with my wife yet
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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