Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
