Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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