no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
