I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
