I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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