This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
