i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
