hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
