Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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