this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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