Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
