Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just googled if crying burns calories
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
