I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
