Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Randomize
