I wish I could teleport
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
