I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
