His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
