i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize