Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
