So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
