my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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