no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
