I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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