Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize