My balls are so social today.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize