I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize