if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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