I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
