Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
