If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
