At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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