I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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