Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
