come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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