I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
