Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
