clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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