tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
