Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize