oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
